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Dear Wife - Dear Husband

To my dear Wife

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean.
49 times it was too late.
47 times you were too tired.
30 times it was too hot.
25 times you pretended to be sleeping.
22 times you had a headache.
19 times you had to get up early.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of the month.
9 times you said weren't in the mood.
8 times you said your mother would hear us.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished.
6 times you just laid there.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To my dear Husband

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

36 times you did not come home at all.
33 times you came too soon.
21 times you didn't cum.
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat.